I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish I only lived at night.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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