I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
