mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
