I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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