My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
