The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
