Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
