She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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