Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's never too late to be topless.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
