I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
