I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
