I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
