True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
