I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
