the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
