So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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