A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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