Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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