Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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