I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
