I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
