i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
