You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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