look no pants
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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