Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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