I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
