someone threw a dead crab at me
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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