i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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