Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
3 2 1 whiskey
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
