he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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