Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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