bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
