hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
