You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
