On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Bring me that man meat
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
