and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
