he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
