Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
