ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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