3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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