I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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