Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
