I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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