I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
