Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
