I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
