I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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