Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
