the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
