I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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