I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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